I have everything I wanted - but I wanted all the wrong things.
How to find love? By getting to know yourself, I guess.

So what are my core values? What makes me happy? What are my emotional needs?

I'd like to say honesty, but I am not sure if honesty is a super important core value for me and I am well aware that for a lot of people it is THE core value. However I'd like to be honest here, this is one of the places where I can be honest and so I think it is safe to say, that honesty is no core value for me. I like smart people and sometimes being smart can mean not to be a 100% honest. Sometimes you have to sugarcoat, sometimes you have to be evasive, sometimes honesty just hurts too much and some people simply don't want to hear the honest answer. Hell, sometimes I don't want to hear the honest answer! I don't want people to tell me I look tired, also I haven't slept for a couple of days… Please sugarcoat or be evasive!

Being genuine and true on the other hand is something that is really important to me. I don't like people that can't be themself, change their viewpoint and story with every other person. I am me and just me. Me again. And if anybody cares that I like a good gossip, well, it is not his or her business. I like to talk, I like to discuss my viewpoints, I love to discuss other people. I like to discuss myself and I don't mind to be the gossip. I like people open and I am an open book myself. Ask me and I will tell. Which doesn't mean I can't keep a secret. I am full of secrets. My secrets and the secrets of others.

Helping out, being there, caring for other people is something I can't live without. Listening is one of my strong suits and it is something I value and expect in others. Not in the people I work with, not necessarily, also it is a nice thing if offered. However at work, I am the one to listen, to care, to be there, to help out. In my private life I want it to be equal. If it's not equal it annoys me, I feel used. They use me at work and it is fine, because I get paid, but I don't want to be used in my private life. I want my partner and me to be on the same level. To both give and take. To contribute and receive.

I like to talk and discuss feelings and also I can't summarize it as a core value, it is important for me to have a surrounding where I can tell how I feel, where emotions are important. Vice versa I like to know how other people are feeling and not just in a superficial "how are you doing" way. I like to know and I like to understand! And if it means to have a lengthy discussion. Bring it on!

And thinking, just thinking about core values actually makes me see more clearly why I am feeling stuck in my relationship and why I haven't been happy for quite a while.

He is honest and will tell me that he smoked a hundred cigarettes and that he drank a lot, also I don't want to hear it. Because, here comes another core value: I like people that take care of themself.

Except with me, he is not genuine and true, but like a leave in the wind. He will change his opinion a hundred times just to fit in. Therefore he has a hundred friends, that in my opinion are no real friends at all. They don't know him the way I do and sometimes it is difficult. Sometimes I slip in the role of the bad guy, just so he doesn't has to.

He uses me and it feels like I am always giving. I asked him to buy a dishwasher several times because I hate doing the dishes and he never invested the money in his place. Now I am in Australia and he thinks about buying a damn dishwasher? Seriously?
And that is just one really superficial example.

He hates to talk about feelings. Sometimes I am not sure if he evens knows what feelings are? Except for the obligatory "I love you" at the end of a phone call, there is not much. So I am sometimes rude and hurtfull, just to get a reaction. How sick is that? In rare cases it works and I get an outburst, most of the time it doesn't. Which leads me to another core value: Does he really listen?

To be continued, I guess.